How men can reclaim their “conscious masculine,” find purpose, and attract the right woman.
“The Law Of Polarity:” The number one reason for attraction (and loss of attraction)
The law of polarity can be summed up by Newton’s Third Law of Motion: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Forces come in pairs: negative and positive, action and reaction, or in Chinese philosophy, yin and yang. Duality is another lens through which to view polarity: Every aspect of life has a balanced interaction of opposite and competing powers. The law of polarity also exists in relationships: masculine and feminine. Masculine-feminine polarity is the number one ingredient for romantic chemistry or “the spark.” The more opposed the sexual energies between two people are – masculine vs. feminine energy – the stronger the attraction will be in the relationship. As a rule, you will always attract your sexual reciprocal. You don’t need polarity necessarily for love, but you do need it for ongoing sexual passion.
The law of polarity began to waver and weaken as far back as the 1960s. Men began exploring their feminine essence, relaxing their rigid and stoic nature and adopting a way of “being” rather than “doing.” While men zigged, women zagged, seizing control of their education, finances, and career, and pursuing freedom, power, and purpose. And while we have advanced in achieving personal freedom, sexual equality, and social rights, this has created an unintentional side-effect unknown to many.
Today, we are witnessing a feminist movement that is demonizing masculinity and a men’s movement that is focused on men reclaiming their feminine energy. Simultaneously, many women are denying their feminine core desires and adopting a masculine way of dedication to mission. All of this anti-feminism and anti-masculine is leaving people confused about what being a “man” or a “woman” even means. Hence, as a culture, we are moving toward women embracing their masculine and men embracing their feminine. This is causing a massive “depolarization” among couples. The more masculine a woman is, the more a man will take on his feminine, and the more a man will take on his feminine, the more a woman will be in her masculine. This “neutralization” among couples is leading to a huge increase in breakups and divorce.
Author David Deida says, “If men and women are clinging to a politically correct sameness, even in moments of intimacy, then sexual attraction disappears.” He continues, “For the sake of individual autonomy and social fairness we’ve neutralized our masculine-feminine differences.” People are suppressing their true essence and deepest core desires, and suffering as a result. When you deny your true essence, you deny true love. Hence, men don’t need to embrace their feminine, they need to embrace their “conscious masculine.” It isn’t about becoming more masculine, it’s about healing and evolving as a human being. And, it is possible to reach gender equality and stay true to your sexual essence at the same time.
How men can reclaim their conscious masculinity
A masculine’s priorities are “mission” and search for “freedom.” If a man disowns his masculine desire for freedom then he kinks his masculine force.
Masculine and feminine energetics exist within all of us, however, 80% of men have a core masculine energy. This article is written for them. Men with a core masculine energy are attracted to feminine qualities: beer, music, nature, women, and other things that get men out of their heads and into their bodies. If you have a true masculine essence, you’ll feel that your intimate relationship is not as important as your life purpose or “mission.” Therefore, you must prioritize your higher purpose in life to truly thrive in your intimate relationship. Deep down you are driven by this sense of mission that must be discovered and lived fully. You will feel empty, even if your relationship and family life is full of love unless this purpose is realized. This is why a masculine will prefer to watch a sports game than a love story. Sports is always about achieving freedom: breaking free from an opponent's tackle and achieving his mission.
On the contrary, a true feminine essence lives for a relationship and family full of love. Even if a woman is incredibly successful in her career, she will never feel fully complete unless love is flowing in her family and intimate life. A feminine’s priority is love. This is why women with a feminine essence enjoy watching love stories and talking about love and relationships for hours. The feminine desires love.
“Are you living your true life purpose or are you living out of fear?”
There is a men’s movement in our culture today that urges men to “embrace their feminine side.” If you’re a man that feels stuck and lost in life, reclaiming your femininity is not the answer. The antidote to a lack of life purpose is …to find your life purpose. This involves reclaiming your masculine, not your feminine. A masculine essence will need to work toward achieving his life purpose to feel fulfilled. If you don’t have a purpose, you will feel lost, as if you’re always reacting to life events rather than creating the life you want. If you don’t know your purpose, now is your time to discover it and you must be willing to change everything in your life to achieve it.
From an early age, you learn what you think your purpose is from family and society. However, as you grow and learn and evolve, you slowly begin to peel back the layers to discover your true purpose. The path to fulfilling your “karma” will be full of bumps and hiccups. These bouts of doubt, uncertainty, and fear are normal and even good. This means you are challenging yourself to find your purpose. This means you are shedding layers of “karma” and growing into your truth. Each stage of life will present itself with challenges, created for you to conquer, learn from, and evolve into your next stage. You will experience multiple life stages, each one getting closer to your deepest purpose. David Deida says there are four signs you have completed a purpose or “karma”:
- Sudden disinterest in a project that recently excited you.
- You feel no regret for starting or ending the project.
- Even if you have no idea what you’ll do next, you feel clear and unburdened.
- Increase in energy at the thought of ceasing your involvement in the project.
When closing a specific stage of life, you must end things on a positive note to avoid creating new karma. Moving forward, it might take time to discover your next purpose. You must be open and clear-minded during this time so you can look for the next steps. Try to avoid distractions such as TV, video games, partying, or women. Take time to meditate and just “be” which might be difficult for men who are accustomed to always being in “do” mode. Make time to spend time with good friends who can help keep you on track. Remember, if your daily tasks are not supporting your purpose, you’re wasting your time. While many women waste time in emotional whirlwinds, many men waste their lives completing tasks. There are two exercises to take yourself out of “do” mode and give yourself time, space, and perspective: cosmic insignificance therapy and contemplating your death. While both sound somber, they are truly liberating.
Cosmic insignificance therapy, a term recently coined by Oliver Burkeman but with its roots in Stoic philosophy, involves zooming out from the small, narrow viewpoint that is your life - and reminding yourself that in the grand scheme of things, and in the vastness of the universe, your life is only but a small dot. Burkeman says, “The (conscious or subconscious) belief that what you do is incredibly consequential has the effect of making the stakes too high to enjoy life.” Even taking two minutes to perform this exercise is a nice reminder not to take yourself so seriously, and to enjoy the journey that is life.
Contemplating your death is another liberating exercise. Michael Alan Singer says in his book The Untethered Soul, The Journey Beyond Yourself, “It shouldn’t take death to challenge you to live at your highest level. Why wait until everything is taken from you before you learn to dig deep inside yourself to reach your highest potential? A wise person affirms, “If with one breath all of this can change, then I want to live at the highest level while I’m alive. I’m going to stop bothering the people I love. I’m going to live life from the deepest part of my being.”
Completing tasks in “robot” mode isn’t the answer to feeling fulfilled. The antidote to a lack of life purpose is …to find your life purpose and this involves reclaiming your masculinity. David Deida provides a three-pronged approach to reclaiming your masculinity:
- Austerity. Remove anything that provides comfort or distractions: TV, sweet food, sex, busy work. By stripping away distractions, you are left to face your “truth.” Embrace your suffering.
- Challenge. The type of challenge is important. Don’t choose shallow challenges that are more enjoyable than fear-provoking, such as sports. Rather, choose a challenge that has actual consequences for freezing in the face of fear, such as public speaking. It is important to fast and meditate during this time.
- Spend time with your male friends once a week to keep each other accountable. Suggest challenges for each other and set consequences for not achieving them.
Set out on this journey with patience, an open heart, and excitement to rediscover who you truly are in this new stage of your life.
How men can attract (and keep) the right woman
Men must feel they have a purpose, mission, or “dharma” to truly thrive in their lives and relationships.
Men are responsible for the growth of intimacy while women are responsible for the energy and vitality in the relationship. While the feminine energy is wild, immense, free flowing, and ever-changing, the masculine energy is directional, productive, outcome-driven, and solution-oriented. The feminine has so much to offer to men who have the awareness and capacity to accept the challenge of conscious intimacy. Consciously or unconsciously, women challenge men in a relationship daily. Challenges come in all shapes and forms: complaining, challenging you, changing her mind, doubting you, distracting you, or even undermining your purpose.
But there is a reason for all of this: Women will test a man because she wants to feel his depth of love, strength, and dependability. Your woman wants to know that your happiness, success, and money are not dependent on her, and she doesn’t want you to look to her for external validation. She wants you to be your fullest most magnificent self. A conscious man will accept her challenges and be thankful that she is testing his strength, integrity, and openness. As you grow, so will her testing. As David Deida says very bluntly, “Your success doesn’t mean shit to her unless you are free and loving, and if you are free and loving, nothing she says can collapse you.” Women are either open, loving, and surrendering, or testing your capacity to open her up to love again, and it’s a never-ending cycle. David Deida goes on to say, “As soon as you learn to embrace and dance with these moods of closure, the sooner both of you will grow beyond the drama and see the humor.”
While many men (and women) believe that women want to be a man’s number one priority, this is false. Women don’t want to be number one. A woman wants to know her man is fully dedicated to his life purpose and mission. Many women might not even be conscious of this but it is an innate necessity. Therefore, a man must always prioritize his higher purpose to give fully to his relationship.
Women want to be able to trust you in your direction and decision-making abilities. She wants to know you’ll take charge if she relaxes her masculine edge and rests in her feminine - financially, sexually, emotionally, and spiritually. You don’t need to be rich, you have to be financially responsible, take your future into account, and have direction and purpose. When she complains about finances, she’s normally complaining about your lack of masculine capacity in being able to direct your life with clarity, purpose, integrity, and wisdom. The money itself is secondary. A women’s true desire is to relax and surrender, and let the masculine guide, direct, and make the decisions. She doesn’t want to plan and analyze options, she wants to relax into her feminine which is pure energy.
When a man expects the feminine to make decisions and be accountable for the results, it magnifies her own masculinity, and she becomes sharp, angular, and distrustful of your love. She’ll cease to trust your masculine capacity and she’ll become her own man. Direction in life is a masculine trait. The less masculine you are, the more the woman will take on her masculinity. Yet, this will depolarize you and create conflict. For example, as a man, you might love to hear your partner say on your birthday, “We can do anything you want!” On the contrary, a woman wants a man to take control and plan everything for her. She wants you to say, “Pack your bags. I have the entire weekend planned!” In situations that need a decision, always tell her what you would do and why while also trusting her feelings. Never say “Whatever you want to do honey.” Your word is your purpose and part of your masculine core. She wants you to say what you’re going to do and then do it. She wants you to follow through on your word.
David Deida describes women in the following way: The feminine is an endless source of love, inspiration, and power, both physically and spiritually. Women are connected to nature in ways the masculine isn’t. They may seem wild or irresponsible but they are just free of the need to be governed by logic, reason, and control. Women are free to be moved by love and life itself, uncontrolled and undirected by goals and structure. This is what you get within feminine energy: a woman with varying emotions, a woman that changes her mind, a woman that is sensitive to the subtle energies in the relationship. The same unstable energy that frustrates you is the same energy that turns you on. You need to learn to embrace both.
Relationship as a tool to heal, evolve, and reach your higher purpose
A relationship is about growing more than you could by yourself. Why enter into a relationship if your growth is better served alone? As Michael Singer points out, “I see no difference between business and spirituality. I see no difference between relationships and spirituality. I see no difference between anything and spirituality. 100% of our lives is about our spiritual journey.”
Many relationships and marriages fail because we aren’t ready to do “the work” on ourselves. Relationships end too early, normally when things get hard, before gaining knowledge and wisdom from the relationship. We then move on to the next relationship and repeat the pattern because we didn’t take the time to learn what we needed to learn in the previous relationship.
Men and women have a lot to teach each other through relationships but it requires openness and vulnerability. It requires being able to talk, listen, understand your triggers, be receptive to feedback, and ask yourself how you can be a better partner. Many times when a relationship ends, one partner will blame the other person for the demise of their happiness. However, rarely will that person take a look at himself and ask, “What did I do wrong?” “How can I improve?” More times than not, when we work on improving the relationship from this standpoint - working on ourselves and not trying to “fix” the other person - the relationship will inevitably thrive. Your relationship can be a vehicle for healing, evolving, discovering your life purpose, and reaching true freedom.
The Way Of The Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire by David Deida
The Untethered Soul, The Journey Beyond Yourself by Michael Alan Singer
Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman