Conscious Dating: How To Spot Green Flags While Dating

In today's rapidly evolving dating landscape, many are seeking more profound, transformative connections that go beyond the surface. Drawing from revolutionary perspectives like Ken Page's "Deeper Dating," there's a shift in recognizing relationships as sacred containers for healing and growth. Rather than the traditional chase for the "perfect" partner based on superficial traits, there's a growing movement towards authenticity, where the foundation of a strong relationship lies in honoring each other's "Core Gifts" and understanding our intrinsic patterns of attraction. Delving into conscious dating means seeing relationships not just as a partnership but as a journey of mutual transformation and growth.

What is a good way to practice relationship as a sacred container for healing and evolution when first meeting someone?

When first meeting someone, you don't need to dive deep right away, but creating an atmosphere of genuine curiosity and openness can pave the way. Instead of presenting it as an expectation, you can introduce the topic by sharing personal experiences or stories about how you've come to view relationships as transformative spaces. Sharing books, podcasts, or seminars that discuss conscious dating and relationships can also be an engaging way to introduce someone to the idea.

When should we start talking about our views on conscious dating and relationships?

While it's essential to be upfront about core values and beliefs, launching into deep topics right off the bat might be overwhelming for some. Instead, gauge their openness to discussions about personal growth and self-awareness during the first few dates. If topics related to personal growth, spirituality, or conscious living come up organically, that's a great time to delve deeper into the idea of relationships as sacred containers. 

What are green flag words I should notice in conversation while practicing conscious dating?

• "Personal Growth": Anyone mentioning personal growth or self-improvement is likely open to the idea of evolving within a relationship.
• "Mindfulness" / "Awareness": Indications they might be familiar with the concept of being present and conscious in their actions and interactions.
• "Healing": If they mention their healing journey or the importance of healing in relationships, it's a strong sign they'd be receptive.
• "Authenticity" / "Genuine Connection": Shows they're looking for depth and meaningful interactions.
• "Emotional Intelligence": A sign they value understanding and managing emotions, both theirs and others'.
• "Spiritual Practice" or "Spiritual Journey": They might already be familiar with or open to the idea of treating relationships as sacred.
• "Boundaries": Indicates they value and understand the importance of personal space and mutual respect.
• "Vulnerability": Demonstrates a willingness to be open and authentic, key components of transformative relationships.
• "Intentional": Shows that they approach things in their life with purpose and thought.

When broaching the topic, ensure that the conversation is mutual. While sharing your perspective, also be curious about theirs. Recognizing "green flag" words or phrases can guide the conversation, but it's equally crucial to ensure both parties feel heard and understood. Lastly, remember that everyone is on their personal journey, and while some may resonate deeply with this approach to relationships, others might be new to the concept or may not resonate with it at all. Always prioritize mutual respect and understanding.

Questions to ask yourself following a date:

• What side of me did they bring out?
• How did my body feel (stiff, relaxed, in between)?
• Did I feel more or less energized?
• Is there something about them I’m curious about?
• Did they make me laugh?
• Did I feel heard?
• Did I feel attractive in their presence?
• Did I feel captivated, bored, or something in between?

How do I know when I've found a relationship that is good for me?

To answer this question, I am going to reference Ken Page’s wisdom in his book, Deeper Dating. "Deeper Dating" is a revolutionary book that turns conventional wisdom about dating on its head. Rather than encouraging readers to focus on superficial traits or game-playing techniques to snag a partner, Page emphasizes the importance of authenticity and inner qualities. Here's a breakdown of the book's main ideas, which can help discern when a relationship is healthy:

• Core Gifts:

One of the primary concepts in "Deeper Dating" is the idea of "Core Gifts." These are the qualities that lie at the very essence of who you are. They may be areas where you've been hurt in the past or feel the most sensitive about. Recognizing and honoring these Core Gifts is essential. In relationships, we should seek partners who also respect and cherish these gifts in us.

• Attractions of Inspiration vs. Attractions of Deprivation:

Page differentiates between two primary types of attractions:

1. Attractions of Inspiration are those where you are drawn to someone because of their kindness, emotional availability, and consistent care. These are signs of a healthy relationship, as they often grow over time and are based on mutual respect and understanding.
2. Attractions of Deprivation are those where the attraction is rooted in an emotional wound. Here, you might be chasing validation or trying to win over someone who isn’t available or respectful. Relationships based on these attractions can be tumultuous and can often reinforce feelings of unworthiness.

• Wave of Distancing:

Even when we meet someone who is kind and available, many of us experience what Page calls the "Wave of Distancing." It's a pullback, a desire to flee or nitpick the other person's flaws. This wave usually arises from fear – fear of getting hurt or fear of losing oneself in a relationship. Recognizing this wave and understanding its origins can help navigate and maintain healthy relationships.

• Avoid "The Trap of Attractions":

Page suggests avoiding attractions where someone's qualities or the dynamics of the relationship diminish you or make you feel lesser. Instead, seek out relationships that make you feel loved for who you truly are.

• Dating Tasks:

Throughout the book, Page gives actionable tasks and insights to help readers identify their core gifts, understand their patterns of attractions, and move towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships. When considering whether a relationship is healthy through the lens of "Deeper Dating", one should ask:

• Does this person honor and cherish my Core Gifts?
• Is my attraction to this person one of inspiration or deprivation?
• Am I navigating or succumbing to the Wave of Distancing?
• Does this relationship lift me up or push me down?

A healthy relationship, as per Page's framework, would be characterized by mutual respect, an attraction of inspiration, and the ability to recognize and work through personal fears and insecurities to nurture a deeper, authentic connection.

Conclusion

As we navigate the intricate maze of human connections, understanding the balance between our innermost gifts and the attractions we experience becomes pivotal. It makes one wonder: in our personal quest for love, are we truly seeking someone who complements our superficial desires, or are we yearning for a connection that honors and magnifies our deepest self? What would our relationships look like if we consistently chose depth and authenticity over surface appeal?

FAQs

1. What is conscious dating?
   • Conscious dating is an approach to relationships that emphasizes self-awareness, authenticity, and intentionality. Instead of seeking just physical or superficial attractions, it's about understanding one's deeper values and connecting on a more genuine level.
2. How does conscious dating differ from traditional dating?
   • While traditional dating may focus on surface-level traits or societal expectations, conscious dating dives deeper. It's about recognizing one's intrinsic values, avoiding patterns of attraction that lead to unfulfilling relationships, and seeking partners who resonate on a genuine, emotional level.
3. What are 'green flags' in dating?
   • Green flags are positive indicators that someone might be a good match. Unlike 'red flags' which signal potential problems, green flags might include consistent communication, mutual respect, aligned values, emotional availability, or other signs of a healthy and intentional relationship.
4. Why are green flags important in conscious dating?
   • Green flags are vital in conscious dating as they signal compatibility on a deeper, more genuine level. Recognizing green flags can help individuals identify partners who are aligned with their core values, fostering more fulfilling and lasting relationships.
5. How can I practice conscious dating in the modern world?
   • Practicing conscious dating involves self-reflection, understanding one's patterns of attraction, seeking authenticity, and valuing emotional connection over mere physical or superficial attraction. It's also about continuous learning, being open to feedback, and prioritizing mutual growth and understanding in a relationship.