New Beginnings: Finding Love After Divorce
8 minute read
Finding love again after a divorce or big breakup can be a challenging journey, one I have navigated myself. Nearly a decade ago, I split from my partner of 7 years, where we lived together, co-parented a pet together, shared a life together, and were planning a future together. Suddenly, in what felt very abrupt, the life I had planned for, the future I was looking forward to, did not and would not exist. I was forced to grieve the death of something that would never be. That kind of grief feels like real pain, it feels like a real loss, and in the moment you think, how will I recover, how can this pain ever go away, how can I move on? But little by little and day by day it hurt a little less. I found myself crying less often, until one day I pulled an item from what was once their drawer and I realized I did this without a second thought, without being triggered, without even realizing it was once an object of meaning or importance.
At the time of the breakup I could not imagine a different life than the one we were living and planning for together. Now, 10 years later, I am so grateful that I didn't get what I thought I wanted then. I could never have pictured the life I’m currently living and that is the beauty of it all. We cannot imagine what the future may have in store for us and most likely it is so much better than anything we could imagine.
So how do we recover? How do we get to this new future? How do we find love again after such a loss?
Science Behind Heartbreak
In hopes of finding a tangible explanation for the physical ache I felt in my chest in the early days of the separation, I dove into research. The science behind a breakup and subsequent heartbreak delves into the intricate neurochemical processes that occur within the brain. When we're with our loved ones and feeling happy and secure, our brains light up in the reward-related regions. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, found through neuroimaging studies that areas of the brain associated with reward, motivation, and craving, such as the ventral tegmental area and caudate nucleus, are highly active in individuals experiencing romantic love.
When a romantic relationship ends, the sudden cutoff of emotional connection and feelings of rejection turns off this brain activity, leading to a significant disruption in the release of neurotransmitters, including oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine. Oxytocin, often referred to as the "love hormone," plays a crucial role in social bonding and attachment. Similarly, serotonin and dopamine, known for their roles in mood regulation and pleasure, experience imbalances during a breakup. Moreover, the brain's response to heartbreak mirrors the neural pathways activated by physical pain receptors. Ethan Kross, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, conducted experiments demonstrating that emotional distress, like the pain of a breakup, engages overlapping neural circuitry as physical pain. The brain processes social rejection using the same neural regions that respond to physical injury. This overlap suggests that the intensity of emotional pain experienced during a breakup is not merely metaphorical; it has a tangible basis in neurobiology. Furthermore, the abrupt cessation of love hormones triggers a withdrawal-like physical response, akin to someone grappling with addiction. Research by Dr. Helen Fisher, using brain imaging technology, indicates that the brain regions affected by romantic love resemble those implicated in drug addiction. This parallel explains the profound emotional and physical challenges individuals face during the aftermath of a breakup, highlighting the interconnectedness of love, neurochemistry, and pain perception.
Acknowledge The Pain and Cope Accordingly
Understanding the neurobiology of heartbreak not only sheds light on the intense emotional upheaval but also provides insights into healing and recovery. We acknowledge that this pain is very real, mentally and physically. We validate that our feelings have weight and scientific evidence of strength. Armed with knowledge about the brain's response to romantic loss, we can adopt strategies to navigate the recovery time effectively.
Studies show that the aftermath of a breakup induces responses in our brains comparable to the withdrawal process from addictive substances. The neural pathways associated with addiction become active when we encounter the loss of romantic love. This response can cause a pursuit of a "fix" for this lost love and lead to compulsive behaviors many exhibit post-breakup, such as persistent reflection on past interactions, reaching out to ex-partners in moments of vulnerability, or continuously monitoring their social media activity.
Mirroring the addicts’ withdrawal experience, we may resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms or unhealthy habits. To address the breakup with a similar approach, it is imperative to tailor our recovery, steering clear of these detrimental coping strategies. Instead of resorting to destructive coping methods, consider adopting healthier alternatives aimed at repairing neural pathways and alleviating withdrawal symptoms by replenishing depleted happy hormones with activities that bring you joy.
Cognitive strategies, such as reframing thoughts and engaging in positive self-talk, can help regulate emotional distress by influencing neural pathways associated with mood regulation. Social support, recognized for its positive impact on mental well-being, can stimulate the release of oxytocin, providing a sense of connection and belonging again. Additionally, engaging in activities that activate reward-related neural circuits, such as fun hobbies or exercise, can contribute to the replenishment of neurotransmitters like dopamine. By leveraging this understanding of the brain's plasticity and capacity for recovery, we can start a process of healing and rediscovering love after the breakup.
An Opportunity for Reflection
Looking back now at my past relationship, it’s obvious it was not a good fit. We did not share the same thirst for life or interest in traveling, and at the end of the day we wanted very different futures but because I loved this person, I ignored the red flags or major differences and pushed aside all of the other pieces of me that I should have been exploring. It’s so easy to look back now, with that 20/20 hindsight, and see what kind of partner and relationship I needed. Utilize the healing experience following the breakup to reflect on your past relationship and yourself.
- What in the past did not serve you?
- What values were missing from the equation?
- What red flags or differences were left ignored or minimized?
- How can I show up as a more authentic partner moving forward?
- What personal growth is needed to attract my most compatible match?
Develop your own list of reflective questions. Work through them and turn this time into valuable and effective information for the future. Turning this challenging period into a transformative experience involves not only healing from the pain but also using it as a stepping stone toward a more fulfilling and authentic future. By asking these reflective questions and actively working on self-improvement, you pave the way for healthier relationships and a more genuine connection with your future partner.
Start Dating
Once you've rewired the neural pathways, increased emotional resilience and gained clarity through reflection, it's time to translate those internal shifts into external action. This means opening yourself up to the possibility of connection again. Start by reconnecting with your closest friends and family. Let them know, subtly or directly, that you're feeling open to exploring new relationships. Their support and encouragement can be invaluable as you step back into the social world.
Then, actively make time to meet new people. This doesn't need to involve dramatic changes – it can be as simple as joining a book club you've been curious about, taking a class in a skill you'd like to learn, or re-engaging with your gym membership (think happy hormone activities). These activities provide natural settings for socializing and meeting individuals who share your interests. Consider utilizing our location-based blogs as a resource. They offer suggestions for fun and engaging events and places in your city – a great way to break the ice and expand your social circle. Additionally, matchmaking services like Ambiance can offer a more tailored approach, connecting you with individuals who align with your values and life goals.
Remember, building genuine connections takes time and effort. Be more present in your interactions, engage in active listening, and show genuine interest in others. Don't shy away from sharing glimpses of your authentic self – your passions, your opinions, your sense of humor. Vulnerability, when it's expressed with honesty and respect, can foster deeper connections and ultimately lead to more fulfilling relationships. Above all, approach this experience with an open mind fortified with knowledge. Focus on enjoying the process of meeting new people, expanding your social circle, and rediscovering the joy of connection. The right person will appear when you're ready, drawn to your authentic self and the resilience you've cultivated through your healing journey.