There’s this thing that happens when you grow up in chaos – you either become a love addict or a love avoider. Me? I was both. I’d chase emotionally unavailable men like my life depended on it, then ghost them the second they actually showed up for me. Took me until my 30s to realize I wasn’t just “bad at relationships” – I was reenacting my childhood trauma on loop.
The Ugly Truth About Trauma Bonds
Remember that boyfriend who treated you like shit but the make-up sex was incredible? That’s not passion – that’s your nervous system recognizing familiar abandonment patterns. Your body literally gets addicted to the cortisol and dopamine rollercoaster because:
- Chaos feels like “home”.
- Stability feels “boring”.
- You mistake anxiety for attraction.
I once stayed with a guy who cheated on me three times because when he cried and begged for forgiveness, it felt exactly like when my alcoholic dad would promise to quit. The script was comfortingly familiar.
What Actually Helped Me Break the Cycle?
1. The “Relationship Autopsy” Exercise
After my last disaster situationship, I made a spreadsheet (yes, really) comparing:
- How my partners treated me.
- How my parents treated me.
- The exact moments I ignored red flags.
Seeing the patterns in black and white was horrifying… and liberating.
2. Learning to Sit With Boredom
The first time I went on a date with someone emotionally available, I nearly fell asleep. No drama, no push-pull – just easy conversation. My trauma brain screamed “No sparks!” while my healing brain whispered “This is what safety feels like.”
3. The “5 Minute” Rule for Triggers
When I feel that familiar panic rising (they didn’t text back, their tone changed), I force myself to wait 5 minutes before reacting. In that time, I:
- Check the facts (“They’re probably just busy”).
- Ask “Is this about now or then?”
- Do something physical (stretch, wash dishes).
80% of the time, the urge to self-destruct passes.
Therapy Hacks That Actually Worked
For attachment wounds:
- Role playing – My therapist made me practice saying “I miss you” without following it with “just kidding!”
- Letter writing – Writing angry letters to my parents (that I never sent) released so much rage.
For sexual trauma:
- Solo touch exercises – Learning to be touched without dissociating started with my own hands.
- Color system – Green=comfortable, Yellow=unsure, Red=stop – saying the colors out loud during intimacy.
Where I’m At Now (It’s Messy)
Some days I still:
- Overanalyze texts from secure partners. (“Why are they so nice? What’s wrong with them?”)
- Feel phantom loneliness when things are actually good.
- Have to consciously choose not to pick fights when I feel vulnerable.
But now I also:
- Walk away the first time someone disrespects me.
- Can ask for what I need without shame.
- Recognize when I’m triggered vs actually unhappy.
Healing isn’t about becoming perfect – it’s about catching yourself faster each time you fall into old patterns.
Your Turn:
What’s one toxic relationship habit you’re trying to break? For me, it’s still the urge to “test” people by withdrawing. Share yours below – no judgment, just real talk from people who get it.
0 Comments