Children Ruin Everything
8 minute read
Imagine sitting down to a quiet dinner, just you and your partner, enjoying a peaceful meal and engaging in deep conversation. Now imagine that same dinner scene with children—food flying, interruptions every few minutes, and barely a moment to complete a sentence. This scenario is humorously depicted in the Canadian sitcom Children Ruin Everything, created by Kurt Smeaton. The show centers around a young couple struggling to maintain their identity and define their lives outside of their roles as parents. Smeaton was inspired by his understanding that parenting is "time-consuming and expensive and frustrating" but also saw the other side, which is the undeniable fulfillment that comes with having a family.
Each episode of Children Ruin Everything focuses on a specific area of life that is ostensibly “ruined” by children—meals, body image, intimacy, road trips, and even death. The episodes start by highlighting the chaos and challenges that children bring to these aspects of life, but then conclude with a moral point, illustrating how kids can enrich these categories or offering strategies to navigate the complexities of parenting within the category.
The premise of the show begs the question: are childless couples happier? Recent trends indicate a growing number of couples are choosing to have children later in life or not at all. In 2022, 43% of US households were childless, up 7% from 2012. A recent study, conducted by sociologist Jennifer Glass, reveals that couples without children often report higher levels of happiness compared to their parenting counterparts. This disparity in happiness is particularly notable in the United States, where the parental happiness gap is the largest globally. Factors contributing to this gap include financial stability, free time, and personal autonomy.
Resource Impacts
Childless couples, often referred to as DINKs (Dual Income, No Kids), typically enjoy more disposable income and free time than traditional families. According to recent U.S. surveys, 33% of DINKs identify financial freedom as their main reason for not having children, while 28% value the flexibility this lifestyle affords. Additionally, 26% face practical obstacles such as financial limitations, and 22% cite medical reasons while only 21% explicitly state that they lack the desire to become parents.
Children are expensive, with Northwest Mutual reporting the average cost of raising a child in the US to surpass $300,000 from birth to age 18. DINKs benefit from double incomes without this financial burden of raising children. This financial freedom allows for more recreational spending, travel, and savings for future security. Moreover, the absence of parental responsibilities grants these couples more free time to pursue personal interests, career goals, and strengthen their romantic relationship through shared activities.
In a study on the link between fertility and happiness, one aspect concludes that the negative association between happiness and fertility is most pronounced among individuals with limited financial resources, whereas it is least significant among those with greater financial resources. This finding highlights the role that economic stability plays in the overall satisfaction of parents. Financial constraints can exacerbate the stresses of parenting, making it harder for families to cope with the additional costs and time demands that children bring. Conversely, those with greater financial resources are better equipped to manage these challenges, which may mitigate some of the negative impacts on happiness.
In Children Ruin Everything, the episode on finances delves into how a couple's economic situation drastically changes after having children. It cheerfully yet accurately depicts the financial strain that comes with parenting, from the cost of diapers to saving for college. The priority of money shifts from spending solely on yourself to having to consider the greater need of the family. Despite these challenges, the show highlights moments where parents find creative ways to manage their finances, underscoring the resilience and adaptability required in raising children.
Mental and Social Impacts
Beyond financial concerns, the emotional and social impacts of parenting further complicate the decision-making process. The psychological impact of having children can be both profound and complex. Parenting is often described as one of the most challenging yet rewarding experiences. The responsibility of shaping a young life brings a unique sense of purpose and meaning that many find unparalleled. However, this profound sense of purpose is accompanied by significant pressure and stress, which can strain the relationship between partners.
As the demands of parenting intensify, maintaining intimacy and connection in a relationship becomes increasingly difficult. The spontaneous and romantic moments that once defined a couple’s time together are often overshadowed by the daily responsibilities of child-rearing. Parents need to be intentional about carving out time for each other, finding small but meaningful ways to connect amidst the chaos of everyday life. This might involve brief conversations, shared tasks, or simply acknowledging each other's efforts in managing family responsibilities. An episode of Children Ruin Everything dedicated to intimacy explores how romantic relationships often take a backseat once children are in the picture. It captures the awkwardness and difficulty of finding alone time, yet ultimately underscores the importance of maintaining intimacy despite the challenges.
Moreover, the social dynamics of relationships undergo a notable shift with the introduction of children. Friendships may change, social activities might become limited, relationships strain, and the couple’s focus often shifts to their children’s needs and schedules. This transition can lead to feelings of isolation and loss regarding the social freedoms and connections they once enjoyed. Overall, according to Glass’s findings, both men and women report less personal happiness and less happy marriages with children in the home.
Alongside these challenges, the fear of potential regret—whether or not to have children—adds another layer of complexity to the decision. A guest on the Other People’s Lives podcast voiced a common sentiment: "I would prefer to regret not having children than to regret having them." This highlights the irreversible nature of parenthood versus the flexibility of remaining child-free. Kimberly, a commenter on the podcast video, reinforced this view by stating, "I've never cried because I don't have children, but a lot of my friends and sisters have cried because they have them."
This reflection reveals a deeper, often unspoken fear in the debate over parenthood—the worry about regretting the decision to have children. The permanence of parenthood and its inherent challenges can weigh heavily on those considering it.
Unquantifiable Aspects of Parenthood
Despite the quantifiable challenges, the unquantifiable aspects of parenthood—such as joy, purpose, pride, and those irreplaceable moments—cannot be overlooked. While the statistics highlight the challenges, the emotional rewards are less tangible but equally significant. These elements, which defy easy measurement, provide a profound emotional fulfillment that transcends statistical analysis, making parenthood a uniquely personal and complex choice.
Parenthood introduces a myriad of challenges, but despite the challenges, many parents argue that the emotional and psychological rewards of raising children outweigh the drawbacks. The pride in a child's achievements, the joy of witnessing their growth, and the deep bond formed through shared experiences provide a unique sense of fulfillment. These moments of connection and love offer a different kind of happiness, one that may not be as carefree as the childless lifestyle but is rich in emotional depth and meaning.
Furthermore, it's important to consider that research, such as that conducted by Jennifer Glass, only focused on the levels of happiness of parents with children in the home and does not account for the long-term joys of building a family or happiness of parents with adult children. The happiness and pride that come from having adult children, the legacy they represent, and the support they can provide in later years are significant factors that extend beyond the immediate challenges of parenting.
Emphasized in the Children Ruin Everything Is pilot episode, we must look at both the quantifiable and unquantifiable data. Following a humorous depiction of the difficulties of parenthood, the show consistently emphasizes the enriching experiences that children bring, underscoring the idea that despite the challenges, parenthood offers unique rewards that many parents cherish. The show states “but what about the data you can’t measure? Joy, pride, good vibes… shouldn't that count too?”
Do Children Ruin Everything?
So, are the studies right? Are parents less happy than all of the child-free people who have all of their time and money to themselves? Statistically, yes. Parenting undoubtedly has its drawbacks, but “there are moments, incredible moments that you can’t find anywhere else,” that can’t be measured.
According to Glass, “Parents will always be quick to proclaim the gifts and blessings their children provide, but a more detached appraisal calls into question this conventional wisdom,” explaining that parents may be blind to their own decreasing happiness. However, she continues that “perhaps children provide benefits not readily observable..” by her surveying and data points.
If we base our decisions purely on metrics and data, opting out of parenthood might seem like the logical choice. The numbers don’t lie, however, the intangible benefits of having children—those moments of joy and pride—cannot be easily quantified. Just like in Children Ruin Everything, on paper, kids may seem to ruin everything, but in reality, the majority of parents not only do not regret their decision to have children, but find themselves better for it. The ultimate decision hinges on what we choose to value more: the quantifiable or the unquantifiable aspects of life.