A toolkit for learning how to attract your life partner.
Today’s dating culture is focused on efficiency. How can I meet the highest quality of singles in the least amount of time? is the question everyone is asking, but it’s the wrong question. Meeting a lot of singles won’t equate to anything if we don’t know how to connect with them.
In our twenty years of matchmaking, those of our clients that found successful relationships the quickest were those that knew themselves inside and out. So, let’s find out why knowing yourself is the most efficient path to meeting your life partner, and how we can take the first step.
Knowing yourself raises your frequency
By knowing ourselves, we can uncover and release years of suppressed trauma and pain. This is the most important step in our dating journey because this allows us to physically release dense energy (guilt, shame, fear, etc), and learn to experience elevated emotions (joy, love, gratitude, etc) and quite literally raise our vibrational frequency. No, this isn’t woo woo talk; this is science. Once we are vibrating at a high level, the process of attracting our life partner is quite easy.
Joe Dispenza states in his book Becoming Supernatural, “The only place the past actually exists is in your brain –– and in your body. When you think a thought (or have a memory), a biochemical reaction begins in your brain causing the brain to release certain chemical signals. That’s how immaterial thoughts literally become matter—they become chemical messengers. These chemical signals make your body feel exactly the way you were just thinking.”
He goes on, “If thoughts are the vocabulary of the brain and feelings are the vocabulary of the body, and the cycle of how you think and feel becomes your state of being, then your entire state of being is in the past. This thinking-feeling loop produces a measurable electromagnetic field that surrounds our physical bodies. In fact, our bodies are always emitting light, energy, or frequencies that carry a specific message, information, or intention. So we are always sending and receiving electromagnetic energy.
“We are always sending and receiving electromagnetic energy.”
Think of emotions as energy in motion. When someone experiencing a strong emotion walks into a room, their energy (aside from their body language) is often very palpable. As you might expect, different emotions produce different frequencies. The frequencies of creative, elevated emotions like love, joy, and gratitude are much higher than the emotions of stress, such as fear and anger, because they carry different levels of conscious intent and energy.”
Read more: Becoming Supernatural by Joe Dispenza.
When we elevate our emotions, we radiate a level of well-being, and in turn, we attract others to us. This is why raising our frequency is the first step in attracting our life partner. Stick with me, we’ll dive into the “how” in the next section.
Knowing yourself allows you to feel comfortable in your own skin, which causes chemistry to happen more naturally.
By getting to know ourselves, we may quickly realize that we have been pretending to be someone else, almost as a defense mechanisms to protect and guard ourselves. When this shield falls off, our authentic self can shine through. When we allow our dates to see our authentic selves, it increases trust and likeability, and allows chemistry to flow more naturally.
Kelly Campbell, Ph.D. says, "Chemistry occurs most often between people who are down-to-earth and sincere. This is because if a person is comfortable with themselves, they are better able to express their true self to the world, which makes it easier to get to know them, even if perspectives on important matters differed.”
Experiencing chemistry with our dates is a natural by-product after raising our vibrational frequency and settling into our new authentic selves because we will want to show our true selves to others; it will feel good; and they will want to open themselves to us as well. Openness and authenticity are contagious; we all want to feel connected and understood. Take the first step.
Knowing yourself allows you to set clear expectations in your relationship.
By getting to know ourselves, we realize what’s important to us in our relationships. There is so much power in knowledge. By simply knowing what we’re looking for will propel us ahead of 50% of the singles out there, and set us up for long-term success. Think about it…
Communicating our values and what we need in a relationship sets clear expectations and boundaries from the very start. It also acts as a great filtration system; it eliminates people who don’t respect or agree with our values, and will attract those who respect us for them.
Jay Shetty first told his wife, "If you want a husband that goes to Ikea and the cinema on the weekends, I'm not that guy. I want my life to be of purpose and service and I want to have an impact on others lives. And I need a partner that understands that, embraces that, and rolls with that as well. This is a priority for me, and I don't need it to be your priority, I just need you to understand it to be mine.” Needless to say, she was on board.
So, how do we get to know ourselves?
Let’s dive into the nitty gritty and find out how to do the work on getting to know ourselves.
First of all, we as humans are constantly evolving and learning; (hopefully) never staying the same. Therefore, we should approach these skills as tools in our lifelong toolbox.
Look for triggers
Our bruises and wounds can normally all be traced back to our childhood. As children, we are the most susceptible versions of ourselves. We are sponges; absorbing external stimuli and trying to make sense of it all. And who are we most influenced by during this time? Our parents (or caregiver). Even if we were blessed with great parents, we can always find something that affected us growing up. So, how do we find out what they are? By looking at our triggers…
Triggers are anything that might cause a person to recall a traumatic experience they've had. However, for most of us, we don’t know that we are recalling a trauma; we just feel an intense emotional or physical reaction. The key is to turn these negative experiences into an awakening. I discuss how with my good friend Telina To’o in our podcast episode Knowing Yourself Is The Most Efficient Path To Meeting Your Life Partner.
Telina is the founder of The Co. & Teli, helping burnt out teachers build personal brands, turn passion into uncapped profit, and create curriculum to fit their ideal lifestyle.
From the podcast ––
Telina: “Through all of my mess-ups, I chose to enter a point of self-inquiry, and I chose to get curious, and become more introspective; asking myself the how’s and the why’s. A big turning point was being triggered by what people do or say, and instead of lashing out, and doing the blame and shame, I would take a step back and ask “Why is that bothering me? That was so profound for me; (and allowed me to) turn a crappy situation into a rich experience. Because it’s not what’s happening on the outside (thats the problem); that is what lets you, should you acknowledge it, see what’s happening on the inside.”
ACTION STEP: EVERY TIME YOU FEEL BOTHERED (“TRIGGERED”) BY A SITUATION, STOP AND ASK YOURSELF, “WHY AM I BEING TRIGGERED?” “WHY IS THIS CHALLENGING FOR ME?”
Me: OK, so walk us through that process of going deeper and asking yourself those questions.
Telina: “Even though I had great parents, (they went above and beyond for me and my siblings), as I’m growing up, I’m realizing they had a very dysfunctional partnership. And so, a lot of my triggers came down to either what they did, or what they didn’t do. If we just consider our relationships with our parents, everything starts to make sense how and why we do what we do. As adults, we have a choice; we can either choose to continue these patterns which we were taught to be normal, or we can be the change agent. I needed to rewire, reprogram, and figure out a way to upgrade. To do that upgrade, was to go back and to see what was happening (in my childhood); what didn’t I like?, why didn’t I like it?, and how can I do it different?”
Me: Walk us through that process. What did that look like?
Telina: “I’m a very outdoorsy gal. Fortunately where I was living in Mexico, I was surrounded by jungle, mountains, and ocean, so I did a lot of active meditation. And that just looks like just walking my dog for hours (god bless him), and not thinking anything, because a lot of the time we get so tired thinking of thinking. It’s also really healing to not think.
I would (also) journal. It’s awesome to get your thoughts on paper, but its even more awesome to go back and read through it. Because for me, that was the intel I needed to make sense of myself. A lot of people stop themselves from journaling because they don’t want to see what’s in their head, or they have this idea of being scared of looking back.”
ACTION STEP: TRY ACTIVE MEDITATION AND JOURNALING TO SEE WHAT COMES UP FOR YOU.
This was exactly what I was looking for: a toolkit for working through issues and evolving. First, I love that she used triggers as a way to turn a negative situation into a rich experience, and really this was the gateway to uncovering and working through her pain points. When a trigger occurred, she kept asking why it was challenging for her until she got to the root cause. She found out that all of her issues could be traced back to her relationship with her parents, which I think is true for all of us.
To do so much reflection and use so much cognitive power can be draining, as she points out, so I love that she used active meditation to unplug and disconnect, not forcing thinking too much, but then journaling when she did have a breakthrough or something worth remembering. It reminds me of when you try to remember something so hard that your brain hurts, but then it comes to you as soon as you stop thinking about it.
There was one more piece of the puzzle to all of this, and to me, the most profound; reconciling with our parents.
Reconciling with our parents and rewriting our story
We have the power to choose how to view our relationships with our parents. Telina did not have the best relationship with her mom growing up but she had learned to completely switch her mindset and rewrite the story about their relationship. Listen to how she did that ––
Telina: “My parents had 4 kids, a business, and a mortgage at 23. When I was 23, I was traveling the world; I was in the middle of Africa somewhere. Just to have grown for myself, I have so much more compassion for my mom because we don’t have the greatest relationship. It’s been really humbling to work on myself and to patch things up with us, and look at her and say, ‘Thank you so much for doing your best.’ She didn’t have the tools that I have access to today. She didn’t have the bandwidth that I have developed today. So when I put things into perspective, it’s like ‘Oh my gosh, thank you for doing your best,’ and it makes me more appreciative of her.”
Me: I love that. That gives me chills. It’s so easy to go down the same path and be angry, and hold resentment toward our parents, but you just completely changed your perspective and rewrote your own story, and it’s amazing. It’s a whole new life after that.
I really did get chills, and I even teared up a little bit. So many of us walk through life with grudges, resentment, shame, and guilt, and we just learn to cope with these emotions that weigh us down and cause roadblocks in our relationships.
But by knowing ourselves, we can uncover and release years of suppressed trauma and pain. This is the most important step in our dating journey because it allows us to switch our perspective, rewrite our story, and start experiencing elevated emotions (such as joy, love, and gratitude), that quite literally raise our vibrational frequency. At that point, the process of attracting our life partner is quite easy.
We all want to feel more connection and chemistry in our dating lives; knowing ourselves is the first step. So even though it’s scary, maybe even frightening, to revisit our past and peel back the layers, isn’t it worth it?
Subscribe to the Date Smart Podcast
The Date Smart podcast is hosted by Ambiance Matchmaking’s cofounder Taylor Wade. Twenty years ago, Taylor cofounded Ambiance Matchmaking, an exclusive matchmaking agency that has helped over 100,000 singles master their dating lives. In this podcast, she shares the same tactics and techniques with you. Mastering your dating life is easier than you think –– it’s just a matter of science and a little know-how.