Fighting Can Be A Good Thing
7 minute read
“WE WERE ON A BREEEEAAAAK!” This infamous line from Friends encapsulates one of the most iconic romantic relationship fights in TV history. While the argument was intense and chaotic, spanning multiple episodes, and igniting additional turmoil for Ross and Rachel, it ultimately led them to a deeper understanding of each other's needs. The intensity of their disagreement allowed the couple to air their grievances effectively, better understand their need for clarification and communication, express expectations and by the end of it all, *spoiler alert* they found themselves back together, closer than ever. This example highlights that fighting can serve as a powerful catalyst for growth in relationships.
Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, but how couples handle disagreements can make all the difference, whether its with an 18-page letter, a la Rachel Green, or given space and time to think. While many believe that a conflict-free relationship is ideal, research suggests that arguing, when done productively, can actually strengthen the bond between partners. This challenges the common misconception that fighting is inherently negative. In reality, conflict can promote deeper understanding, resolve lingering issues, and ultimately lead to greater intimacy. Couples who never fight may seem to be in perfect harmony but could instead be avoiding essential conversations, leading to emotional distance and unresolved frustrations.
The Role of Conflict in Relationships
Dr. John and Julia Gottman, leading researchers in relationship dynamics, has spent decades studying what makes couples successful. In their book Fight Right, the Gottmans’ emphasize that conflict itself isn't harmful—what matters is how couples engage with it. Avoiding conflict altogether, the Gottmans note, can be more detrimental than arguing. In their research, couples who avoided conflict often faced bigger problems with communication and emotional intimacy, as unresolved issues tend to fester and grow over time.
Conflict plays an essential role in relationships because it allows partners to express their needs, frustrations, and boundaries. Without conflict, these feelings may go unspoken, leading to dissatisfaction or emotional withdrawal. In fact, research shows that couples who argue effectively—by openly discussing problems and working toward solutions—are much more likely to stay together. Numerous studies have found that couples who engage in constructive conflict often have stronger, more fulfilling relationships compared to those who avoid confrontation.
Identifying Conflict Styles
Jay Shetty, in his book 8 Rules of Love, expands on the idea of productive conflict by emphasizing the importance of learning how to argue in ways that bring couples closer rather than driving them apart. "Conflict," he argues, "should not be about winning or losing but about understanding each other’s perspectives and finding solutions that work for both parties." Shetty draws from his own experiences, describing how he and his wife, Radhi, have different approaches to conflict. He prefers to address issues immediately, while Radhi takes time to process her thoughts before engaging in conversation. Recognizing and respecting each other’s "fight styles" ultimately improved their communication and strengthened their connection.
Understanding both your and your partner's fight style is one of the first steps toward healthy conflict resolution. Some individuals prefer to "vent" their emotions immediately and work through the conflict as soon as it arises, while others may need time to cool down before addressing the issue. Recognizing these differences can help couples avoid taking each other’s behavior personally.
According to Shetty, there are several common conflict styles, each with its own strengths and potential pitfalls. Identifying which style applies to you and your partner can help guide how you approach conflict and prevent miscommunication.
- The Venting Style: Some individuals prefer to talk things out right away. They want to express their thoughts and emotions until they reach a resolution. This style can be effective when both partners are on the same page and able to listen actively. However, it can be overwhelming for a partner who needs more time to process. Those who aim for quick conflict resolution can sometimes overlook their partner’s emotional needs, especially if they’re more focused on ending the argument than understanding the underlying issue. It’s crucial for individuals with this style to practice empathy and patience to ensure both sides are heard.
- The Hiding Style: Others may withdraw during conflict, needing space to process their emotions before addressing the issue. While this can lead to more thoughtful responses, it’s essential to communicate the need for time rather than going silent, which can be perceived as avoidance. Emotional withdrawal during conflict can be damaging if it leads to avoidance of the underlying issue. However, taking a temporary break to calm down and reflect can lead to more productive outcomes, provided both partners agree to revisit the issue after a pause.
- The Exploding Style: Some people struggle with controlling their anger, leading to emotional outbursts during conflict. This style can be particularly harmful if left unchecked. Frequent explosive arguments can increase the likelihood of relationship breakdowns, as anger tends to erode trust and communication over time. For those with more explosive tendencies, it’s important to find constructive outlets for anger, such as taking a break to cool down or seeking professional help for anger management and argument moderating.
Understanding these different conflict styles is only the first step. Once couples recognize their own and their partner’s tendencies during arguments, the next challenge is learning how to navigate those differences in a way that encourages resolution rather than escalation.
Shetty offers practical advice on navigating different conflict styles by highlighting the understanding of a partner’s needs during an argument. For example, if one partner needs space to process emotions while the other wants immediate resolution, both should be willing to compromise. The partner who needs space should communicate this without withdrawing emotionally, while the one seeking immediate resolution should practice patience.
By learning to navigate disagreements in a way that prioritizes understanding over winning, couples can turn conflict into a tool for growth. Framing arguments as “us versus the problem” rather than “me versus you” shifts the focus from blame to collaboration. The goal of healthy conflict isn’t to "win" the argument but to strengthen the relationship by addressing underlying issues together. According to the Gottmans, couples who approach conflict collaboratively—viewing it as a problem-solving exercise rather than a battle—are more likely to find resolutions that satisfy both partners.
Turning Conflict into Strength
While some couples may pride themselves in never fighting, this can be a sign of avoidance rather than harmony. Avoiding conflict can lead to unresolved issues bubbling beneath the surface, potentially manifesting into passive-aggressive behaviors, resentment, and emotional withdrawal. Gottman’s research suggests that couples who avoid conflict are more likely to experience difficulties with communication and intimacy over time. In contrast, couples who engage in constructive conflict are more likely to maintain a strong emotional connection and enjoy long-term relationship satisfaction.
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how couples handle disagreements determines the strength of their bond. By learning to argue productively, understanding each other’s conflict styles, and approaching disagreements as opportunities for growth, couples can build healthier, happier, relationships. Both Gottman’s research and Shetty’s insights reinforce the idea that conflict, when fought correctly, is not something to be feared but rather embraced as a pathway to deeper intimacy and understanding. Fighting may seem negative or even a sign of disfunction, but with a constructive approach, can be a powerful way to strengthen your relationship. So address the issue, write the 18-page letter, call out the behavior if it helps you communicate your feelings and needs, because fighting can in fact be a good thing.